Life as a touring artist brings unspeakable volumes of filth, fun, and profane awesomeness. We offered up our blog as a road diary and our friend Keith Buckley from Every Time I Die took the bait. In this week’s entry, Keith returns home from his Canadian tour, plays his “new” PS4 and lets us in on his idea of heaven. If you haven’t already yet, be sure to pick up your tickets to ETID’s Violent Gentleman Tour with The Ghost Inside, Architects and Hundredth, here. Let us begin.
“But Keith, how will you update a tour journal if you are not on tour?” you might ask me in the imaginary scenario where we meet on the sidewalk in front of my house and talk casually on my beautiful, healthy and freshly mowed lawn while my dog takes a human sized poop at our feet or licks another dogs piss off the bark of the infected maple tree that the city really should come and cut down.
As a distinguished gentleman, Lemmy enjoys pooping and slurping piss.
“Well,” I would most likely respond, “there are plenty of things that occur in Buffalo and neighboring suburbs that I find equally as entertaining as the things that occur on the road.” to which you might say, “horse fucking shit you have lived in Buffalo your entire life and have the same friends you did in high school and all you do is go to the same bar down the street that you have gone to since you were 18. How is that cooler than screaming hardcore songs in a venue that obviously used to be a movie theater?”
“Get the fuck off my lawn and take your handsome son with you.” I would announce harshly, offended at the suggestion that my friends aren’t interesting. You would then grab the hand of your stunning little boy and continue on your way and I would retreat to the room in the basement where I play video games and play my video games.
A friend of mine had driven up to ETID’s last show in Toronto, so before the guitars had even been unplugged I was in his car and on my way back to Buffalo to make last call at the same bar down the street from me that we have been going to since we were 18. You know how in Titanic when Rose dies and she walks into heavens huge foyer or whatever it’s called and the man she had an affair with is there but her husband is not for some super mean, fucked up reason and all her friends are there and the iceberg that killed them is there too but he’s not dangerous anymore and they all surround her and give her high fives and dump Gatorade on her (its been a while since I’ve seen the movie)? When I die, I’m going to walk through the doors of that bar and all my friends who have definitely died first (sorry bros) will be there and we will all do Irish car bombs until we puke and pass out under the pool table while texting. That’s my idea of heaven, and it was fairly close to what happened when we got there since- not coincidentally- the three close friends I have were in the same place at the same time as they have been since we were 18. There is nothing more rewarding than returning safely after a long tour and reuniting with the only people who know you and love you anyway and letting them slowly kill you with legal poison for adults, except maybe finding a great deal at Best Buy.
The next afternoon after the “first day home” routine of lighting a bunch of autumn scented Yankee Candles, shaving my entire body below the neck and vacuuming until my carpets bleed, I sat down to conquer Call Of Duty:Ghosts on my “new” PS4 which my friend Kevin Skaff from A Day To Remember sent to me after our European Tour together last February. This sounds like an incredibly considerate gesture except the console he had sent to me was a fucking European version and it doesn’t play any of my American DVDs so thanks for nothing, Kevin. The game was great and I definitely recommend it unless you’re high on weed in which case you’ll revert back to your petty, childhood self and sincerely accuse the “computer” of “cheating” like a thousand different times when a point blank hit from a shotgun isn’t enough to kill a virtual nemesis. It definitely cheats though, so be aware if you’re considering purchasing it.
Hmmmmmm what else have I done lets see. Did I mention that the fall line of fragrances from Yankee Candles is absolutely sensational? I did. Well good because they are. Oh I took a bus to NYC to hang out with some friends and on the way I sat next to a woman whose body shape could best be described as “uncanned SPAM.” She talked on her flip phone for over 6 hours straight and only stopped to smack her two out of control toddlers in their faces or punch them in the shoulder as if they were getting two for flinching. I imagined grabbing her arm in mid swing and making her hit herself in the face as the rest of the bus looked on and applauded and chanted my name in unison which they somehow all knew and liked and I grinned like an idiot for probably 20 minutes. Then I realized that when off the road and not in front of a crowd I get back on the road where I smile when I imagine being in front of a crowd and I got a little scared about the future and outside of the bus the road just kept going on indefinitely.